"Um…guys…it says right here that for blue eyes, lavender eye shadow is good…is this one lavender?"
How did I get here? Buying makeup was NOT my idea—it was Jessie’s! I just brought the seventeen magazine and she picked it up and now here we are, in front of foundation, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, lip gloss.
-Yeah, Ellen, you should have that lavender eyeshadow, and this blush because you’re pale and your cheeks need to stand out….ohmygosh, can I give you a makeover?!
We went back to my house, and Jessie took me hostage. She came at me with the black eyeliner. Upper lashline first. And then the lower lash line. OUCH! It hurt!
Ohmygod. I looked like one of those cool girls who weren’t in my math classes and who sat at the other table at lunch and who wore Abercrombie and Fitch. This isn’t me, this is someone else…
-It looks great, Jessie! I don’t know if I’ll wear it at school, but…I’d wear it if…I were going to a party.
I didn’t go to parties. But maybe..if I went to that dance at the country club next week…I could wear this eyeliner. And maybe Josh would be there…
-You’re the best, Jessie, thanks!
I kept most of that makeup for a long time, much longer than you’re supposed to keep it for—because I just didn’t use it all that often. My party-going career didn’t take off like it was supposed to in middle school. But high school—that was a different story. There are a lot of parties in high school. The best one is Homecoming. My first dance ever. With my first boyfriend ever. Brian. He’s super cute and does debate.
I went to Target and bought some new makeup—pink sparkly eyeshadow, and some new pink lipgloss, My dress is turquoise, and my shoes and bag are silver, so I’m thinking the pink eyeshadow will be a nice accent. The dance is at school at 8, we’re all going to dinner at 6:30 at Hibachi, and pictures are at 5:45 at Tom’s house. So…I should probably start getting ready at 2. That’s what Caitlin said she’s doing [finish applying makeup]
Okay, So it’s 2:30. Um…Do I need to be doing more to get ready? Didn’t Caitlin say she was gonna start getting ready at 2? Do I need more lipgloss?
I decided I should just do my geometry homework. Finally it was time to go to Toms!
Hey Brian!
-You look really pretty, Ellen
Yeah. Well…I tried really hard.
-Ha, yeah. It’s like totally not fair, like guys just have to shower and put on a suit, and like, girls have to spend so much time getting ready and stuff.
Yeah, you’re right. I had to get ready all day! Totally not fair. Yeah…well, you wanna go take pictures?
I threw out that pink eye shadow a few months later…it was way too sparkly. And I bought new black eyeliner…and I kinda liked it. It looked….definitive.
Mom hurry up! I don’t want to be late to school again! Please drive faster!
-Did you eat any breakfast?
No, Mom, I wasn’t hungry.
-Honey, why do you wear so much eyeliner? I bet it’s the light in the van, you don’t realize how strong it is. If you did it before we got in the car, you wouldn’t wear as much.
Whatever, mom. I like it.
-Well, what are you guys doing in English class today, honey?
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s an awesome book. It’s like an allegory, Nurse Ratched is like society in general and the patients are, like, fighting against her. It’s cool.
-Oh...I don’t remember that from the movie.
The movie isn’t as good as the book, mom. Okay I’ll see you after school, Bye!
I applied that black eyeliner diligently every morning those next few years. I got involved with every after school activity. I stayed up late studying to keep my GPA a 4.0, and took every honors class I could to make it weighted to 4.65. I wanted and needed to be perfect. But in English class we read Cuckoos Nest and Catcher in the Rye and All Quiet on the Western Front and The Great Gatsby and I realized that in these books and in the world at large there was something much, much bigger than what I was trying to control with my eyeliner and eating habits and grades. I couldn’t escape those pressures in my day to day high school life, but I could escape with Chief Broom and wonder where the ducks when and see the green light from my window.
In the next few years I went through lots of black eyeliner.
But then I moved to LA. People in LA are easy going and chill…and tan. It became obvious I needed a new makeup routine. So I left the black eyeliner behind, and discovered bronzer.
Okay, Professor. Here’s my abstract for my seminar paper. The two texts I’m using are Julius Caesar by Shakespeare and Appetites by Caroline Knapp.
Hey Sammy, can you do a smoky eye? Thank you, you are the best. Adrian and I are going to dinner at Fat Fish and then there’s a beer pong tournament, so we’re playing in that…How did I become one of those girls that dates a Sigma Chi?
So I want to start the paper analyzing the way that Cassius seduces Brutus into getting him to kill Caesar. And then I’ll compare how Knapp analyzes social pressures on women of our generation. Cassius wants Brutus to seek for more, and Knapp says we’re told to want less, but I want to show how the two arguments are constructed in exactly the same way.
I’m meeting his mom tomorrow… so are we dating? I dunno…he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. I’m not really seeing anyone else…I just don’t know what he wants.
Keeping in mind those arguments, I’m going to analyze this article about Angelina Jolie in last month’s Vogue. I’ll use this modern day example to talk about the pressures on modern day women and how smothering they are. Do you think that sounds okay?
Ohmygosh, thank you so much Sammy! It looks fantastic. You have to teach me how to do it myself.
I got an A on that paper, I learned how to do a smoky eye, and last winter I bought myself my first lipstick. In fire engine red. And then I bought a pinky-red. And then a hot pink . And coral.
Lipstick is grown up. It is sexy. It’s confident.
I am not sure if I am grown up, sexy, or confident. Wearing lipstick doesn’t help with the feeling in the pit of your stomach when the boy you like talks to the other girl at the bar. It doesn’t make you feel less awkward or lonely when the conversation isn’t going well.
But when I’m wearing it, I do feel grown up. I feel sexy. I feel confident. I haven’t created the Ellen that I want to become. But I’ve imagined her. And she’s usually wearing lipstick.
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